Bugsy doesn’t do “what’s up, doc?” anymore. Now he just grunts and swings a bat. He chews Marlboro and stares down pit bulls without blinking. He got kicked out of PetSmart for "intimidating the hamsters." We tried giving him a plush toy once—he waterboarded it in the birdbath. He sleeps with one ear open and dreams of vengeance against the guy who once called him “cute.” If you hear thumping at 3AM, it’s not the pipes. It’s Bugsy, practicing.